“Transformation doesn’t ask that
you stop being you. It demands that you find a way back to the authenticity and
strength that’s already inside of you. You only have to bloom.” –Thich Nhat Hahn
And bloom, I did! Since July, I
have been finding my way back to the authenticity and strength that was buried
inside me. I had no idea how far I had strayed from the true me, and now I wonder
how or why I let it happen. For one thing, I didn’t realize I was letting it
happen. Every time I hid my anxiety from others…the deeper that authenticity and strength went. Every time I let
fear get in the way of what I wanted…deeper it went. Each time I doubted myself…deeper and deeper it went
until I was just a shell. At the time, I didn’t know I was a shell. You see,
anxiety allowed me to become a fabulous actress. So much so that I could trick
myself into thinking things were fine. During one of the countless appointments
I had with my psychologist at the time, I remember comparing myself to a
chameleon, a social chameleon. I felt like I didn’t know who I was. I was
really good at being what I perceived
those around me wanted me to be.
Eventually,
the way I felt about myself was a lowered expectation of the true me. I thought
I was coping and living a happy life. I had everything I ever (thought) I
wanted- a great job, family & friends, a newly bought condo, and most
importantly a fiancé that I was madly in love with. Life was on track in my
mind. I had a sense of balance. Looking
back, I realize that the “sense of balance” I had, was really just my comfort
zone and not true balance. It wasn’t until I was thrown a curveball that I
realized those four comforts in my life (job, family/friends, condo, fiancé),
let’s call them the “core four”, were also lowered expectations of what I truly
wanted and needed in life.
This
curveball was pitched to me a little over a month before I was supposed to marry
my best friend when the truth of his addiction became known. The details of
what unfolded are not important. The important thing is that I take what I have
learned from this life-altering experience and share it, so it can help others.
Over the next few blogs, I will share how I altered my thinking surrounding
each part of the “core four”.
I
plan on writing about each part of my core four in the order they occurred
during my “bloom”. Stay tuned for Beginning
to Bloom: Condo Creations!
