Beginning to Bloom Part 1

“Transformation doesn’t ask that you stop being you. It demands that you find a way back to the authenticity and strength that’s already inside of you. You only have to bloom.” –Thich Nhat Hahn

And bloom, I did! Since July, I have been finding my way back to the authenticity and strength that was buried inside me. I had no idea how far I had strayed from the true me, and now I wonder how or why I let it happen. For one thing, I didn’t realize I was letting it happen. Every time I hid my anxiety from others…the deeper that authenticity and strength went. Every time I let fear get in the way of what I wanted…deeper it went. Each time I doubted myself…deeper and deeper it went until I was just a shell. At the time, I didn’t know I was a shell. You see, anxiety allowed me to become a fabulous actress. So much so that I could trick myself into thinking things were fine. During one of the countless appointments I had with my psychologist at the time, I remember comparing myself to a chameleon, a social chameleon. I felt like I didn’t know who I was. I was really good at being what I perceived those around me wanted me to be.

       Eventually, the way I felt about myself was a lowered expectation of the true me. I thought I was coping and living a happy life. I had everything I ever (thought) I wanted- a great job, family & friends, a newly bought condo, and most importantly a fiancé that I was madly in love with. Life was on track in my mind.  I had a sense of balance. Looking back, I realize that the “sense of balance” I had, was really just my comfort zone and not true balance. It wasn’t until I was thrown a curveball that I realized those four comforts in my life (job, family/friends, condo, fiancé), let’s call them the “core four”, were also lowered expectations of what I truly wanted and needed in life.

       This curveball was pitched to me a little over a month before I was supposed to marry my best friend when the truth of his addiction became known. The details of what unfolded are not important. The important thing is that I take what I have learned from this life-altering experience and share it, so it can help others. Over the next few blogs, I will share how I altered my thinking surrounding each part of the “core four”.

       I plan on writing about each part of my core four in the order they occurred during my “bloom”. Stay tuned for Beginning to Bloom: Condo Creations!