Beginning to Bloom: From Codependent to INDEPENDENT
“Most things will be okay eventually,
but not everything will be. Sometimes you’ll put up a good fight and lose.
Sometimes you’ll hold on really hard and realize there is no choice but to let
go. Acceptance is a small, quiet room.” -Cheryl
Strayed
It is important for you, as
readers, to understand that the “core four” wasn’t compartmentalized like it is
in my writing. They all intertwined and overlapped. In my mind, the condo
renovations were a way to keep my mind busy while I paused my relationship and
tried to get a different perspective of what was going on in my life. Each
renovation allowed me to reflect on what was actually happening with my ex and
his addiction. With that, please join me on my journey from being codependent
to independent J
They always say, “It takes two to
tango.” Now more than ever, I can see how these five simple words were the
epitome of my relationship with my ex. I might even go as far as to say that we
would have won on “Dancing with the Stars” because of the truth within this
statement! Anxiety and addiction have several parallels. My anxiety is
something I will always live with. It is very hard to control my thoughts, but
it is possible with the right helper and support. From what I have learned
about addiction, the same is true. It is something that my ex will always live
with, but with the right help, it can be controlled. Another parallel…the one thing I cared most
about was him. Likewise, the one thing he cared most about was himself.
There
were several instances that I now realize, were us doing our tango. I hated
doing several things because of the anxiety it caused me: grocery shopping,
picking up prescriptions, talking on the phone, and going anywhere alone. My ex
knew this about me. At the time, I thought he was being understanding of my
disorder, and supporting me by doing all of these things for me. In my mind, he
completed me because he was so accepting of the “weird things” that came with
my anxiety. In reality, he was enabling me, whether he knew it or not. Had I
been able to do these things on my own, I believe I would have seen more of the
warning signs of his addiction. He was enabling me, and I was enabling him.
Each time he went to the store, or the pharmacy, he had an excuse to be gone.
He knew that as long as he came home with what he said he had gone out for,
then I wouldn’t ask questions.
To
be fair, I think we were both trying our best to be what each other wanted and
needed, but my anxiety and his addiction, made that impossible. I know that he
truly loved me and cared for me, but his addiction was stronger than he was. It
was stronger than I was.
When
I first reached out to Tod, I was simply going through the motions of life. As
I mentioned before, I was a shell. For the first 2 or so months of working with
Tod, I still whole-heartedly believed that my ex would beat the odds, become
clean, and we would live happily ever after. I felt a sense of loyalty to him
and responsibility for him. That had always been my role in our relationship-
the caretaker-the one that could make everything better. It took me a long time
to realize that no matter how badly I wanted to make things better, I couldn’t.
The two words that remind me of this time of my life are: “boundaries” and
“pause”. I was still rooting for my ex and feeling like I couldn’t give up on
him. Tod introduced me to “pausing”- which is what I did. It was a way for me
to wrap my mind around the possibility of things not working out between us.
“Pause” was a safe word because we weren’t broken up, but we weren’t moving
forward together either. We were both just pausing and trying to focus on
ourselves. That was definitely easier said than done!
I
remember Tod telling me that I needed to set up some boundaries. Once again,
easier said than done. The teacher in me
wanted to find a “How-To Guide” for setting up boundaries. It was hard for me
to separate what I wanted and what I needed. The old Abby wanted so badly to
talk to my ex and support him through calls and letters. The “Abby-on-Pause”
was beginning to realize what I wanted was most likely not going to happen, the
odds were stacked against it. At that point, I wasn’t comfortable cutting off
all communication, so I told him that we could write letters back and forth. This
boundary, I soon learned, left a lot open for interpretation. Technically,
texting is the new, shorter way of sending letters, but it was not what I
meant. It was time to reevaluate my boundaries and try again.
Tod came
over and we had a conference call with my ex. This was the first time I had
spoken to my ex since dropping him off at the airport on the 4th of
July.
This
call was really the turning point for me. I really appreciated my ex’s honesty,
but with that honesty came a hard reality check. It was hard for me to believe
anything he was saying because time and time again, he would lie. When the
truth finally came out, it was devastating. I found myself questioning what was real and what was
fantasy. Even if he were able to beat the odds and become sober, the
trust was gone. I did not want to live like this forever. On August 23, I did
the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do. I finally realized that as much as I
loved him and cared for him, I needed to let him go. It wasn’t what I wanted,
but it was what we BOTH needed. I knew that he was not going to be able to get
better if he was doing it for me. He had to want it for himself. I also
realized that I wasn’t going to get better or stronger if I kept worrying about
him. It was because I loved him that I let him go. I had to be honest and set
clear boundaries. I asked that we not communicate any further via phone or
letters.
There
are no words for how I felt going to bed that night. Cheryl Strayed said it
best- “Acceptance is a small, quiet room.” Unfortunately, things didn’t stay
quiet for long. My ex struggled to respect the boundaries I had set, and I had
no choice but to block him. It seemed harsh, but at the same time, I started to
get a teeny glimpse of my new life, and I knew that I had to do this for ME,
and that it was okay to choose me for once. I started to become honest with
myself, and stopped making excuses. I slowly began to accept that this was a healthy choice. For the first
time in…forever, I was in control- I could decide what I wanted,
not just in life, but in simple everyday things. The whole reason I am so proud
of my condo is because it was me making my own decisions without checking in
with anyone else. It was liberating to know that I could do things on my own, I
could take care of me and my anxiety, I didn’t need someone else to do this.
The biggest thing I discovered through all of this is that when I take care of
me, and put myself first, everything is easier…
Through this deep soul searching, I stopped worrying about how my ex
would react to the things I said or did, and instead, focused on how I could
react to him in a healthy way
Stay tuned next week to see how
friends and family played a huge role in the new me!
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